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[29 Jun 2006|05:17pm] |
Today was redonculous!!!!
So yesterday i got my passport declined because the picture was damaged...the woman who was kind enough at the post office to send off my application made a mistake. She stapled the picture to my application and the state said the couldn't except the picture because it was reuined which i assume was because of the staples. I only hope to god that this is in his will cuz right now it does not seem to be that i should go to Moldova.
So today i spent an hour at Cvs....they kept messing up on the demensions of my picture, or I was being really precautious so to not have it sent back again, im sure i was a real pain in the rear. So at the end of that the guy asked me out for some drinks...apparently i remained calm enough to still seem attractive. I told him i had a boyfriend and sorry.
It was funny though, after he took my picture and was editing the demensions of it, he said you look happier than most people. I should have said thats because of god...well maybe that would have been coming on a little strong. I believe i said....yeah i struggled for that smile right now, but i have alot to be thankful for so...and then i told him where i was going and told him all about the ministering and the camp, he sounded interested...must have been to ask me out. hehe
But I just thought that was really cool that he said that i look happier than most people....people see jesus not me...the holy spirit reaches out and people love jesus whether they know it or not...it was built in us by god to love him...so i mean...it would only make sense that more people are drawn to me.
Ya know what i have found also....that the people that spend more time on me...are more people who are good...actually its most everyone...so basically people are drawn to god and they don't even realize it...yeah...
so at work today...i almost lost my stuff....and when i say stuff i dont mean stuff i mean cool.
SO yeah..
I worked my butt off picking up slack from someone else...and then...at the end of the day when it was all almost over...i was cleaning a room and this woman had to go to the bathroom. See normally she is well, and not so confused but today she was all confused and acting very much out of her normal state. SO yeah.....i went out of her room to find someone to take her to the bathroom...and there were three aides talking...so i calmly waited...and they took forever just to answer me...and i said...when one of you gets the chance can you take her to the bathroom...and she said...yeah...who taught you how to speak...in a joking way...i said...what you don't like polite people...and so ...nobody came...the other two aides stayed outside of her room talking for over twenty minutes....in full mind knowing that the woman had to go to the bathroom...i got so heated i almost flipped out on them...but i didn't
Long long long long day
errr
help me please
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[16 Jun 2006|10:09pm] |
LONG LONG LONG ENTRY ...BEWARE...hahah
Best few days with Annie and her family ever!
So i had a day off today from work and i went and stayed over thursday night.
Thursday i met up with her at a school function for these kids that she babysits. Their names are haley, bret and i think jake? not sure though. We just had so much fun playing outside.
When i met bret he gave me a W and said sweet haha. Kinda ghetto ..cute though.
WHen i met haley she was really she, she asked annie tp play on this modern seasaw.....you stand on it and bouce off of these tires burreied in the ground...so fun! So i felt like i wanted to join them but i hesitated do to the fact that she didn't know me well....well i felt god pressing me to just go ahead with it...so i did.
Later...
THere was this adult dance competition at the function for the kids and haley and jake dragged us up there urging us to dance with them, and we did.
Then we danced for like i think an hour. Haley loved miroring my moves and jake breakdanced and was funny when he tried to copy haley and i. After the dance competitition that we unfortunately lost...jake was kinda mad...i told him it was because we stood and danced so far back that we couldn't be seen and that was why...he was satisfied with that answer.
So haley and i went to the swings alone, because jake and annie wanted to do that limbo...haley started talking to me about a bunch of things...she asked me.."How did you get to be soooo funny?" I said
Oh i dont think im that funny...and she said
ALl my friends were staring at you becasue you were so funny!
THen she began explaining to me that she always wants to be funny but is afraid of looking foolish. She asked me "How do you stop being embarassed"?
I thought and thought about how i should explain it to her....
I said "one day, like how one day you start thinking different things, one day you stop caring so much. YOu have to let go and be yourself. YOu need to be okay with being, not everyohne is going to like you. But they feel scared just the same way you do, so when you act funny even when your scared, your showing them what they want to do and be too".
It was a nice conversation, she is soooooo intelligent.
After hanging with them annie and i rushed to the hospital because her father hurt his knee. He has built up fluid around his knee. I found it interesting to see Annie interpret for her parents. I noticed the doctors really don't look at her parents at all, they just look at her. NOw i know what she means when she says the doctors bother her by doing that. Its so rude and mean because she isn't the patient.
Annie and i had sleepytime tea together,sooo good hadn't had it in a long time. We talked to her brother for a long time about just stuff, i started to get sleepy so i went to bed.
After some chochlate and strawberries of course.
Today i woke up ....played with shamedog...thats annie's nevue...
We brushed our teeth together, it was awesome. He let me help him but he is still learning to do it himself. So smart, taller and smarter than two years old, thats for sure. We played with a bunch of toys and then went to Bickfords...Shamedog, annie, her brother, and I. It was soooooo good!
Enjoyed it soo much! Shamus got crouchy so we had to get going kinda early!
Then Annie and i went to her mothers work. She woks at a school for deaf children. Its really awesome, the kids are so great! It was overwhelming for me because they sign really fast and Annnie wasn't always telling me what they were saying. It was interesting how the high school kids communicated. A bunch of them get excited and you need to see the persons hands to know what they are saying. Alot of the kids wave their hands at each other aggresively to get the attention on them so they can talk, and put their opinions into the conversation too. Its interesting because we as hearing people can hear people talking simultaneously ya know? Isn't that awesome>...comment...hehe
So then we went to get their birth certificates but unfortunately beckys, annies mother, could not be processed. Then at the post office we ran into another problem. The women said that passport packaging ends at three thirty and it was four. SO i almost cried in public because of all the stress of the time constraits for getting our passports and visa cards. So annie said " DOn't worry hun, if god wants us to go it will all work out just fine". Just as she said that ...a women said to us "I can do it for you, come over here". SO oooooo awesome
SO thats all set now...
SO yeah work is good, i like it....when i actually get a chance to talk to the residents...
Well thats it for now
Byeeee
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[16 Jun 2006|10:04pm] |
so ....its been a while...im going to write this short entry, and then see if anyone reads the next one, which is going to be a huge catch up....
so funny story...
two weekends ago, the last weekend i spent with nathan before he went off for more training in South Dakota, he did something sooooo funny.
I kept saying to him and two of our friends in his room, it smells like milk in here!
So by the third time of me saying it to them, Nathan goes....
"What with this look of complete confusion....milk?....then he presumes to lift his chest in this extreme inhale through the nose...and his hand held out...like what? It was soooooo funny i nearly died laughing...harder than i ever have before...
HOPEFULLy i painted the picture well in your heads folks...if not...OHWELLERS...it was funny for me.
My signing is getting alot better...its improving to the point where i don't need annie to speak at all for her mother now when she talks to me. WOOT WOOT
love
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[13 Jun 2006|03:59pm] |
I am going to Moldova with my best friend and her mother in August to spread the word of god on a missions trip. Moldova is a small desolate country in between Urakraine and Romania in England, very poor! We are hopefully going to raise enough money to be able to give them something, i dont know what yet, but something simplistic, or maybe fun...I dont know what really...just something. SO we are going to a deaf orphanage to preach the word to children for ten days. A couple of the days are going to be spent training on how we are going to work with them and such.
I know some sign language because of annie and her mother and father, but the thing is we are going to learn Romanian Sign language. All sign language is different, so i am not so much limited. We all are going offering something. I am sooooo excited...
Byeeee
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[14 May 2006|04:03pm] |
I moved back home...
Things are wonderful...im so glad that finals are over, it was crazy. i got a d on one of mine but oh wellers what can you do.
Nathan and i hung out yesterday for the day and it was smashing. For most of the day we just layed on my bed and talked, and i showed him a bunch of pictures and other stuff from my childhood. I hope that i didn't torture him! I wrestled with him and threw him off the bed...YEAAA IM STRONG!
His mother fell off the stairs and broke her rib, and i felt so bad because one of my second thoughts after being concerned for her was that i didn't want nathan to leave. Nathan has drill this coming weekend and i knew that i was going to get to see him for another two weeks after yesterday. Also im only going to get to see him one more time before he goes to South Dakota for two weeks...ehhhh.
Oh wellers...it'll be fine...
So yeah...everything is good...
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[03 May 2006|12:06pm] |
It has been a long time since i have updated!!!
I have been in a bit of a funk this week due to the dramatic change in weather and the work load for school.
Butttt
Nathan and I are awesome! This weekend i went with him to a family gathering where i got the younger kids to play wiffle ball. It was really fun having them all turn to me as their authority, i liked that haha! I like to be in control, but i have given alot of that up. It is just really interesting to see all the new ways i interact with people now that god has really begun such large changes in me.
So anyways funny story now(not so funny when it happened). All of nathan's family and i were sitting down in the basement of his aunt's house waiting for the birthday man to arrive so we could all yell surprise. Well once we all did and were getting ready to eat, everybody at my table was just kinda chillin waiting for someone else to bring food and refreshments. So i asked if anybody wanted a drink...and nathan said"NO, Sitdown!" I knew exactly what he was thinking in his head when he said it. He was thinking this is a family gathering and your a guest, you shouldn't be taking care of the party arrangements. Of course i was still embarrased...so luckily his brother matthew said ill take an orange soda. SO i got up and got him a glass...and asked everybody what they wanted waiting to ask nathan until the very end so he could feel my embarrasement. Well we talked about it after the party and needless to say he said...the way i said that was nothing like what i meant to say. We laugh about it now!
Sunday we went to church, took a nap, took a long walk, went to go see the new land that his new house will be built on. It was really such a beautiful day and i love that we got to take a nap an then take a long walk. Nathan talked to me about alot of his childhood while we were walking and passing all his neighbors. I really enjoyed him alot on sunday, constantly throughout the day i would just look at him and admire him!
Anyways....
So my friends are all in a funk as well, but we have still been hanging out regardless which to me says alot. We stick by one another even through the tuff times. Alexis and Bryanne has gotten into a hudge blow out last week...well this week it is settled thank god. I told annie just the other day that i prayed for resolution between the two of them everday, and annie agreed that she had done the same.
I sometimes wonder if i am doing enough to spirtually guide annie. I tend to feel like im not doing enough like all the time so it's tuff to know when i really am and when im not.
Danielle and i talked for the first time in a while a couple nights ago, and that was wonderful. I was really concerned to know how she was doing. Come to find out she is better than ever, and sooooo much more grown up, which is amazing because i was really hoping that she would grow more independent. I always knew that she was a survivor!
SO yeah thats my update
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[09 Mar 2006|10:29am] |
so everything is going really well for me right now....
The lord is great and has blessed me so much in my life!
He has brought me closer to an old friend nathan whom is a wonderful man of god....
I am excited to see if things work out for the two of us, if it is god's will!
The play is going well, it is stressful but after next week spring break will give me a nice time off from the three night rehearsals! Thank god!
I am doing well in school....a's and b's with the acception of one ct...oohhh welllers!
Last weekend was a really good weekend with my parents, they really enjoyed my friends nathan and Dave! I don't believe i have had that great of a time with my parents in a long time! I was also really happy to hear how much they liked nathan! I have never seen my parents sooo pushy for me to be with someone! Of course, they don't understand my beliefs so they wouldn't understand if i tried to explain to them why we aren't together right now.
Thank you god for all your blessings!
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[17 Feb 2006|11:17am] |
I am sick of being stupid about my weight....
It is the only thing holding me back in my life right now...
I hope that i can find a way to pull myself out of this...i wonder if i will ever let his words in one ear and out the other...and i wonder if someday ill be okay with the way i look
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[04 Feb 2006|08:19pm] |
Still doing really well!
nick and i are talking like everday again and its wonderful. Im so proud of him for all that he is doing.
Im realizing that its harder for me to try and hang out with guys that i like that are not christians, for they make me feel tempted...and i dont want to be. I want to be as close as i can be to the lord.
Classes are really awesome this semester, and my teachers are all really nice, so i am completely blessed.
I just cut my hair and its really cute...i cannot wait for it to grow in though. oh wellers
tonight im going out with some guy friends that are christians...one in particular im rather excited about. He is just about as much of a freak as i am, hehe. He is also a cancer, the zodiac sign...which is my best match. i dont want to believe in it...but i do...mehr
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[26 Dec 2005|04:23pm] |
It's been so wonderful being home....
There were a few things i was passionately hoping to happen when i got home...and both of them seem to be happening...
a. getting closer to my father and jen...
jen and i talked and sorted out all the reasons why she has pushed me away for like half a year now
dad and i talked and im learning how to deal with him, and how to better word myself so he will understand me
b. getting closer to god
melissa came by the day after i got home and we caught up on the things that had been going on in our lives...
and then she read me a few verses from Hosea....it was all about what i had been going through for the past five months...and with her help of grounding me with god...through me back in a passionate and more understanding relationship.
All this time...i have been trying to through myself into relationhships with guys that just never give me what i need. I always knew that if i could sacrifice this one thing i would grow closer to him...and which it truly happened...
I realized beyond that fact that god is like your best friend, your father...always there going through your every experience and feeling your every emotions...but beyond that...i finally realized that god wants to be the LOVER of your heart....he made you specifically from what he though was beautiful...and wants to provide for you and for you to turn to him in all aspects especially emotionally the way i have let myself be with most guys.....
on xmas i was with someone...and i was about to sleep over...and i left...because i knew i was just letting myself be vulnerable to sexual immorality and to ...letting myself be close to someone that i shouldnt be with...
i heard him for once...i am hearing him...
its like hearing a person now for me...
this must sound crazy to most...and whatever comments i recieve...doesn't really matter...cuz only how i feel and what i think matters....
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[07 Dec 2005|11:04am] |
I fucking hate hate hate my music fundamentals teacher...i seriously want to murder him...not even joking.
What the fuck is wrong with our society...who the fuck hires dumb fucks like him....when you hire somebody to teach a three hundred level course...they should be a throrough teacher...no a fucking dumbass who laughs at you for not understanding things...
Im not the only one yelling at him anymore...the whole class is now!
FUCKER I HOPE YOU DIE
Your smile is filled with termites that i wish would eat your insides
Your like a tic with its head buried deep underneath my skin
Your within my vessels through the day
I want to take them and squeeze you out
I want to make you feel the longest death possible
opitome of torcher done to you for what you've put me through this year
YOu fuck
You've come straight from hell
You get perverse pleasure out of listening to people in confusion
Your here to make lives worse
To beat god out of our lives
and make us seek evil within your eyes
and your cringeful laughter
I hope you go back to hell where you belong.
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[29 Nov 2005|01:47pm] |
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I fucking knocked my boss out today hahahah....I hit with plywood on mistake lol...Sooooo funny...
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[15 Nov 2005|02:23pm] |
So everything has been pretty crazy...this past weekend ...
i got to chillax and smoke alot of weed...
hang out with april and have alot of fun..
tripped saturday that was nice and relaxing...it calmed me down which was good...cuz i have had mad anxiety for three weeks and insomnia...im not joking..three weeks of getting 1-3 hours of sleep a night...does a number on you...it truly fucks you up
SO whatever i have caught up on my sleep
but of course going back to school yesterday meant real drama and stress all over again..
See registration was going on and that meant that im part of the freshman group in my program so i register later...and so i supposedly there were like major issues with activating me so i could register...and every time i came into the OT department nobody was there that i could talk to except these works study girls who were my age. Well i spoke to them more or less like peers speak with peers and they told joane..this advisor in the OT department that i said nasty things and that i was threatening.So i had my advisor and joanne on my ass for like a half hour telling me how they didn't believe that i would be fit for the OT program. Which is such bull-shit....
Going off of one incident where i was talking to peers has nothing to do with who i am, plus i was wiked stressed out...and they should be understanding to the stress and anxiety i had. Instead they were discouraging me and telling me they didn't want me in the program.
Grrr
So anyways...
dating alot of guys...kinda more or less like flirting like mad...
It's very odd, but this year i have noticed more and more people are attracted to me..and i mean all sorts of guys, from bums to like gorgous puerto ricans...its insane...i had this one dude just stare at me from afar...and he came over to me...i was talking on the phone...and he just like shook my hand and talked to me for a bit...and then walked off saying something in spanish...things like that have been happening for a while now...strangeness!
So yea...i got this dude's number today...i have a good feeling about him...and i bumped into him again after i got his number....and he was like its fate...and so im interested..he beautiful...and in one of the classes i share with him he is always interested in everything that everyone has to say...which is really nice and sincere.
He is a sagitaurius though which means ...not a good fit for my controling scorpio nature...
Anywyas...
ALl is well..im hanging in there.
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[30 Oct 2005|02:13pm] |
ya....so i think i have a fuck buddy...and he is beautiful
and we have known each other for years...
oie
im good
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[13 Oct 2005|01:37pm] |
Today i feel amazing.
Last night i hung out with the girls again, and we smoked a bunch, talked and talked, experienced a very disturbing conversation with our bipolar other housemate and ....then didn't sleep at all yet again. For the past three nights in a row i have gotten three hours of sleep at the most, so i think im becoming a little delusional.
I don't know what it is, but it's like im just thinking and feeling so like amazing just like thinking to myself about stuff and not needing anyone else to share the ideas with or make me happy, i just feel happy with myself. I swear when i get into these kinds of moods little korky things happen.
For example,
My boss brought in a zelda shirt...and i love zelda its my favorite video game. My nickname is actually zelda here.
Also an old boyfriend from when i was thirteen found me on myspace and....and told me that its because of me that he has an open mind...I LOVE BEING SOMEBODY SAVIOR...or teaching them somthing...just being signifigant in someone's life.
yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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[11 Oct 2005|01:48pm] |
So,
He and i talked about the future and as a picies he needs to think so much about everything. So he feels that he wants to prevent both of us from getting hurt by not getting involved...but i mean we already are involved so it doesnt matter. By trying to keep from being together isn't going to work its inevitable, we are already involved and i can't take steps backwards from how i feel now. Also last night on the phone, he told me that he can't believe how amazing i am, that words cannot explain. I told him that i was still going to want to kiss him and that he was going to have to tell me to stop, he said that he wasn't going to be able to do that....meaning its going to be inevitable for us to pretend like we are not something because we totally are...we are so right for each other...
Moving on
So last night annie came home and it was really nice to have it be the girls again. April, Annie, and Ashley...Tripple A's coming to get ya...
We smoke and just talk and talk and talk about life and everything. I swear being around us...is like being in a movie, i think we could make a really funny movie the three of us...these girls are exactly what i need right now. Im sooo happy that i have them.
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[09 Oct 2005|04:36pm] |
Last night hung out with my roomie april and talked alot about so many different things. She is truly amazing and i feel so happy to know that i have her and annie in my life, i love them dearly.
So last night i watched this movie called iggy goes down...
Amazing!!!!
Its probably the most fucked up family setting i have ever seen in my life, i loved watching it, it actually made me feel good to like know that somebody else knew what it was like to have a family like so.
Things have been quite up and down for me lately..
I believe Brendon and i are together, but im really not so sure. He told me he wanted to be with me and call me his girlfriend when i was ready but i don't believe that i gave him a straight enough answer...and ever since that night he has been acting slightly distant...
Like for the begining he laughed at me alot...then it went to being like korny with each other some nights saying how we made each other feel...then i cried in front of him...and then he opened up to me...and began hugging me and kissing me in public...to then the other night asking me or telling me he wanted me to be his girlfriend...and i didn't really know what to say for some reason...im scared to be hurt again...love is a scary thing..and now he is acting alot more distant again.
Its almost like that beautiful time of getting to know one another and tell each other how you feel for eachother is missing and there is just like that honey moon period ended. Its like he is completely comfortable around me to just be silent and I dont know if thats okay with me. I want to be captivating ya know.
He says im extremely complicated hah...i know this.
I truly need to relax and stop analyzing things constantly but i dont know if i know how to do that.
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[03 Oct 2005|07:04pm] |
Between blank stares
and the evenings spent awoken by these screams
someone always telling me things from within
subconiouss know it all
making my head feel like a playground for the mental
taret like syndrome
to replace the publics view
of an underloved individual
portrayed at the side of the road and kicked around
blown around to new avenues
well
oh well
flowing in the water
of sea suckled patriotic colors
feelings subsided to an unterorized chime
regarding the plaque thikened bottom of balsphemy
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[24 Sep 2005|01:36am] |
Its been real good here lately...
fitting myself in with the crew...
i really love jeff...cuz like his energy and my energy ...go well together...i love dancing with him.
hung with crizzil and laura tonight...mad laughing and helping a turtle to live..haha
yeah yeah
thats about that
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[17 Sep 2005|01:10pm] |
Like i said...everything will be fine in two days
garentee with me...i bounce back very quickly
going home for today and tommorow...kinda excited a bout that...
more on why things are back up later
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